Posted on by thornstocrowns

Letting go of your regret: When you can not take back what happened

Not too long ago I sat down feeling such an immersed amount of regret as I recollected a situation that I thought was in my past. The more my thoughts replayed the situation, the more I sank into this place of wishing I could reverse the hands of time. I immediately felt trapped by this regret and deeply thought of how this situation did not only hurt me, but it hurt others. Like a fresh-cut wound, I felt a rush of emotion that caused me to break down. I asked the Lord, I thought I let this go, I thought I moved on, but why then do I feel this way? At that moment I hoped to get an immediate response, but it was just me and my thoughts of regret for a while. I know that I am not the only one who has felt this way, I want to assume we have all been in a place where thoughts of regret flooded our minds, and letting go of these thoughts of regret felt nearly impossible, but thanks to God he surely has a way out for us all. Let us together look into letting go of regret for the things that we could not take back.

When regret is louder than Grace

It can be hard to let go of regret when there is a constant reminder of our mistakes and failures. When thoughts of regret play louder in our minds we forget the grace God freely has given us. Letting go of regret starts with knowing God’s grace for us. No one works harder than the enemy to keep us away from this because he would rather the regrets permanently play in our minds, making it impossible to let go. Satan would rather you live in shame and guilt instead of walking in the forgiveness of God and the freely given grace through Christ Jesus. When the enemy wants to amplify all your regrets, run to Christ. He wants to condemn you, but unfortunately for him, he can not keep you there because in Christ Jesus there is no condemnation. (Romans 8:1).

forgiveness and its role in letting go of regret

There is a lot of forgiving to do in most regrettable situations. When we do not forgive, ourselves and the people we may have hurt, or those who hurt us, we easily can stay trapped in feelings of regret. It is almost like walking around with an open wound and hoping we do not bleed. Of course, you will bleed if you go around with an open wound, so then you will need a covering to stop the bleeding. Our cover for this wound would be forgiveness. If you want to let go of regret forgiveness plays this role. It covers you and allows you to heal and move forward. If it was for your mistakes and failures seek Jesus and if it is because others hurt you forgive them. (Matthew 6:14).

mOVING FORWARD AFTER REGRET

Regret is a humbling way to remind us of God’s redemption. He gives us a way forward from all our regrets. It is not just with us, many people in the Bible too had regrets. God’s very first creation of mankind Adam and Eve had deep regrets about eating that fruit and leaving the garden. Abraham and Sara regretted having a child outside their marriage even after God’s promise to bless them. King David had many regrets, just read Psalms. I could go on with this list of biblical figures who like us experienced regret, but what all of us have in common is God’s redemption that moved them forward. They could have easily dwelled on their regrets, but if we want to use them as an example, we could learn from them. They moved forward with faith in God knowing he had a redemptive plan for them, God has a redemptive plan for us too! We no longer have to hold on to our regrets, but we can look forward to what is ahead. Here is what Paul has to say:

13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3: 13-14

Regret is behind us, we are graced by God to move forward through Christ Jesus. I just don’t want you to think that letting go of regret is an easy thing to do. For some knowing of God’s grace, forgiving, and realizing there is a redemptive plan can take a while, months even years. However, if you want to start to let go of regret make it a mandatory act to run to Christ when to spend too much of your time recollecting your regrets. Proceed to seeking forgiveness and forgiving others and not dwelling on your regrets. You surely can not take back what happened but you can surely trust God to work all things for your good, might I say, even your regrets! (Romans 8:28). It is time for you to take your rightful place, it is time to trade thorns for crowns!

Much love,

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns

Perseverance: New starts and stronger finishes

Photo by yang miao on Unsplash

Dear Crowned Royals, I bring you all the missed-year greetings from 2022 and share the joy of the new year with you! It has been a while since I last shared on here and I think now may be a good time for me to come out of hiding. We still have some work to do and I do hope God has been helping us through it all.

It is a start of a new year and we are all hoping for a great year, you know a year without the trials and tribulations. No one at the start of a new year wants to hear the word perseverance, because this word is associated with difficulty and by definition requires too much from us. I do hope that with this post you may look at perseverance a little differently and see the hope we build through it.

Why do we need to persevere?

Let me start off with a practical example that explains the need for us to persevere. A young man just graduated college and after several tries managed to score a final interview with his dream job. All he needs to do is drive downtown to seal the deal. He plans to get there on time and ensures his car has enough gas to get him there. He heads out to the city and traffic is flowing, he even may have some spare time to freshen up before his interview. Nothing should go wrong at this point, but then several cars ahead of him, an accident occurs and this slows traffic. What was supposed to be an easy drive to an interview becomes a difficult one as the young man tries to move around the traffic so he can make it to his job interview. All his efforts seem impossible and the spare time to possibly freshen up becomes less and less. To make things worse his phone battery power left won’t allow him to make a call to explain his delay. This interruption could cost him losing a position he has been hoping for, does he stay in the traffic until he makes it to the interview or turns back and drives back home because all hope is lost? Many of you I want to assume would say he stays the traffic until he makes it right? I agree, he keeps going knowing that not all hope is lost and that with this seemingly difficult new start, there is a possible stronger finish.

We need perseverance because with it we make it through any and many of life’s difficult interruptions. Perseverance is the longevity of our hope that allows us to keep going even when situations seem impossible. God calls us to do so knowing that through perseverance, he has the opportunity to bless us and build our character. After one has experienced difficult circumstances and through it all continues to steadfastly persevere, one gains incredible strength to face life’s challenges as they come. The need to preserve typically starts when our life seemingly perfect life is interrupted and easily affects our wellness be it physical, emotional, or spiritual. It could be that you may have lost a loved one, missed a job opportunity, or received a bad doctor’s report and the list goes on. There are so many challenges in life that temporary hope cannot keep us going even if we tried. We then look to perseverance knowing that as we hold on to it all, we get to stay strong and most importantly finish strong despite the difficult life circumstances.

New starts and stronger finishes

There is this famous quote we come across online often or have heard others that says that “it is not how you start that is important, but how you finish.” Starting can be hard, and holding on to hope at the initial start of a life challenge can even be harder. Look at this new, not-so-pleasant start for you as a way to stand the test of time and come out stronger. Making the choice to persevere even at what seems like defeat allows us to pick ourselves back up again and again with every other life challenge we are dealt with. Call it a ripple effect, but once a person perseveres through a couple of life lows, it builds them for the next. Obviously, at the start of it, one does not recognize the strength they continue to build as they keep choosing to keep going despite it all. There are quite a few more other great things we gain as we continue to persevere, but one thing I would like to mention is how we grow in patience. It is a great fruit of the spirit after all and makes a seemingly difficult or delayed situation so much better. With patience and perseverance, you are well on your way to a stronger finish. Don’t give up just yet because a stronger finish is why you have held on so long. Some of you have been persevering for a while now, but hold on. What does a strong finish look like? Well, it looks like you coming out on the other side still trusting, still hoping, and still believing that this life challenge will change. Despite the many setbacks, obstacles, hurts, frustrations, and delays, you will be able to see a turnaround of things because you choose to persevere. And because you have chosen to do so, God has this promise for you;

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

James 1:12 NIV

Please find comfort in knowing that your efforts to persevere are blessed by God. He knows that it is never an easy start, but just like you he hopes for a stronger finish. He wants the opportunity to bless you because you stood the test. One story that came to mind of God’s blessing to those that persevere is the story of Job. Wow! Job had some serious seemingly impossible life challenges, but through it all, he kept his hope and persevered through every test. He was greatly blessed by God, all he lost was doubled, and now that is a strong finish. While you think about your own life challenges, take some time to read or reflect on Job’s perseverance experience and see if there are things you can adapt for your own experience.

Stay encouraged! There is a stronger finish that awaits you, do not be discouraged by the start of it at all. Perseverance is the longevity of our hope and it is something you can do. I pray God helps you through it all so that you too can be blessed by him. It is time for you to take your rightful place, it is time for you to trade thorns for crowns.

Much love,

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns

Schooled by experience: What a book can’t teach you

Greetings Crowned Royals! I hope all is well with you and your loved ones. I am so excited to write again this week and share with you what has been on my mind of late. Writing on failure last week made me think of something closely related, but a much border topic that we will unpack together. While Failure falls under the entire scope of our life experience, it literally is a small segment of it when we think of our many life experiences and how they shaped us to be who we are today. There is a famous quote that says experience is the best teacher and I couldn’t agree any more. Experience teaches us things about us that the books can not even explain. Being schooled by experience is far more complex and it demands more of your character than it does our intelligence. So, what makes experience the best teacher hands down? To answer this question, think of your own experience; the lessons, the rewards, the surprises, the tests, the uncertainties, fears and how all of that helped shape you to be the person you are today.

What is it like to be schooled by experience

Being schooled by experience is like going on a experimental roller coaster ride blindfolded without any idea on when the highs and lows will hit you. You will be met with many highs and many lows along the way, yet you stay on the ride and hopefully pay attention and take some notes because there will be tests after each ride. When you being schooled by experience, you will notice how you are not being asked to memorize knowledge, but you are rather required to apply the knowledge to your life experience. It is very hands on and practical type of school experience.

Another thing you will notice while being schooled by experience is that comparing and copying off others life experiences will not work so well for your own. Life experiences are told differently by everyone because of how we handle the lessons taught from our highs and lows. Not everyone handles these lessons well, and maybe you haven’t done so well either other times when handed these lessons, but your work and effort to do better is a choice you make for yourself. Doing all of this is not an easy task, so teaching tools such as books can help better prepare for while being schooled. While books are a great teaching tool, they can only go so far in helping us mature than actual experience can do.

BOOKS as a Teaching tool

If you are not reading a book that will help your current life situation, please read something! God has blessed many people to write books on different aspects of life and he gave us his word the Bible that touches on every aspect on life. Books are a great teaching tool that provide you with insight and practical examples. From books we learn that we are not the only ones experiencing life’s highs and lows. The only thing the book can’t teach us is how to learn from our own unique experience. We have books that will help us learn and understand our situations better, so that even as we experience, we go in somewhat prepared. A book will give you a general overview, instructions, advise and commend you, but the work starts when you apply the knowledge of and make it practical for to your own experience. Here is what a book CAN NOT teach;

  • Your own unique purpose
  • Your resilience and tolerance during your lows
  • How to handle your own success and failures in life and move on
  • Your own perspective over your life
  • How to be patient and kind to yourself as you experience life
  • The choices you make and made had a huge impact on your life

EXPERIENCE as a teacher

Can we all admit that experience has thrown us some harsh lessons, I mean really harsh that for some of us it changed our way and meaning of life. Experience is the teacher that most of us wish we did not have to take a class with them or maybe skip a couple lessons and still expect to pass. Wrong! As you experience life more, you will soon realize that there are no redos or make up tests like it was in school. Life experiences are about how well you handled the highs and lows and what you learned along the way is more valuable than you can imagine. Experience as a teacher has the ability to wipe us into shape and despite some painful lessons we would be thanking it later. Experience teach us that success is good and so is failure. We will be faced with many tests and as we continue to learn, but experience as a teacher cheers us on to keep going and growing in the process. Experience will teach us the valuable lessons of life that we can then use to help others that continue to struggle. Once you are schooled by experience you will soon learn the important of every high and low in your life and not take it for granted. Here is what experience WILL teach you:

  • Your own unique purpose
  • Your resilience and tolerance during your lows
  • How to handle your own success and failures in life and move on
  • Your own perspective over your life
  • How to be patient and kind to yourself as you experience life
  • The choices you make and made had a huge impact on your life

God and experience

God created us to experience life in its fullness, he knew that we will experience all the highs and lows and was confident that we would through the process learn who we are and not quit on life because of it. For some of us, our experiences helped align us back to God’s will for our lives. We had to take those hard and painful lessons to be able to come back to where we should have been in the first place. God like any loving parent helps correct us through our experience and while the lesson was not pleasant at first, we were surely grateful. He used our experience for our good. God used our experience for our good! Let us see what scripture says:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12 vs 11

To be trained by experience is good! There is a harvest that comes with you staying the course and making the choice to grow and transform from your own life experiences. Allow yourself to be trained by the best teacher and while you are at it utilize books and study the word of God. With that said, I hope you can now see that being schooled by experience is not such a bad thing after all. Through the entire process you get to learn who you are and understand why your experience was tailor made for you.

It is time for us to take our rightful place, it is time to trade thorns for crowns!

Much Love!

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns

Knotted: The emotional process of un-knotting painful ties

Hello Crowned Royals, Happy New Year to you all! I hope each and everyone of you are doing your best work to attain your crowns. If you asked me what your number 1 resolution should be, I would say attain your crowns and the rest will fall into place.

I was hoping to have written this blog earlier in the year because in the beginning of the year, most people are open to change so hope I am not too late. I want us to talk about knots, not the knots you see on the features image, but the painful knotted ties within us. We continue to do life while knotted with painful ties, which we have a tough time admitting to the emotional roller coaster they put on us. I hope this blog will help you realize that it is possible to un-knot those ties, and also be well aware of the emotional process that comes with un-knotting.

If you have ever been knotted in painful ties then you know that it feels impossible to get out of it, especially if the people or situation is something that changed your life drastically. Breaking of ties while knotted can take you from feeling frustrated, to sad, to angry, to restless, but at least if you have already began the process of un-knotting, you are off to a good start. I liken the emotional process of un-knotting to my constant battle with my knotted necklaces in my jewelry box. I think the ladies can agree with me, when jewelry gets knotted it also feels impossible to pull apart. I realized from the many un-knotting I had to do with my necklaces that if my patience was short, I got angry and frustrated, which lead me to quitting pretty quickly in the process. Even though that was the jewelry piece I wanted to compliment my outfit, I quit on separating it from the other because of the process it took. why was I quick to quit? Well, I think the patience and my emotions got the best of me and did not allow me to finish what I started, which would have eventually benefited me. I know this a trivial example compared to un-knotting actual painful ties in our lives, but isn’t that what we do? We being to un-knot hurriedly things that need time and patience, and because it did not happen quickly we then begin to go through the roller coaster of emotions. Once we allow for these emotions to get the best of us, we are unable to see the many knots we missed and continue to live knotted. Why do we then settle for a knotted life?

Living a knotted life

If you have ever known a life lived knotted then you will know that it is not one you can say you are living your best life. But why are so many knotted people claiming to live their best lives? Hmm, I can give you several reasons, but the first one that jumps out of my mind is denial. We as human tend to think by denying painful ties that they magically disappear, unfortunately, those things only happen in fairy tales. What we go through and experience in our life’s is real and can not be ignored. The knotted life is a life lived in constant denial of one’s reality. What denial does is that it takes away from the person’s ability to recognize that there are painful ties that they need to knot out if they want to live a better life. I know of the knotted life because I once lived it and let me tell you, it is no way to live. It is quite sad to know that many of us continue to live the knotted life and have normalized it because not many of have taken up the task to actually got through the process of un-knotting. But if you are one that is tired of the knotted life like I was, then I think it is time to go through the process head first and not to quit when it gets hard. Because it will get hard at some point, but quitting shouldn’t be you option.

The emotional process of un-knotting painful ties

Now that we know that the knotted life is not the way to live and have decided to un-knot it all, what can we expect? Well, we expect ourselves to go through one tedious and intense emotional process that in the end will give us a life lived with no denial. If you won’t come ready for such an emotional process, then you will be quitting even before it begins. Painful ties are not just little issues that you had with a co-worker that can be cleared over a cup of coffee. Painful ties are things that come with intense emotion and pain and for some those ties changed their lives and how they live. It may be the painful ties with a memory of losing a loved one, ties with failed relationships (intimate, family and friends), and ties with guilt from a situation that was not even your fault that changed it all.

The process to un-knotting all this will take you up and down with your emotions, but as you go through it you are not to allow your emotions to get the best of you. Emotions in the process are inevitable because what tied you up in the first place was associated to an emotion. Once you allow emotions such as anger, frustration, shame etc to get the best of you through the initial process of un-knotting, the process will be much harder, but that is no reason to quit. Are you allowed to feel these emotions as you un-knot? Absolutely! But do you dwell on them? No. You step by step begins to un-knot by letting go of the emotion associated to the painful ties. For example, you were angry that your father abandoned you at a young age. In this process you un-knot by letting go of the tie associated with the anger you felt as a child when your father left. The emotional process will mostly ask for you to look back to past events, remember certain people you chose to forget, feel the pain again and almost re-live what you have been in denial of, but it is all necessary and all part of it. Because this is a tedious and intense emotional process, you can’t do this alone. who will help you through this process?

Where is God in this Process?

God is glad that you have decided to go through the process of un-knotting the painful ties in your life. If anything, God is glad you have come to the realization that living a knotted life is not as fulfilling. God has been in the process even before your realization. He is one that is always waiting on us to take that first step and commit to the process. Once committed God is right next to you even through the emotions that are associated with the painful tie. He will send you help too, people that will help you through this process. You are not alone! God knows exactly how the painful ties make or made you feel. He knows the emotional toll it took on you to be tied up in such pain. Therefore, he knows how to help you un-knot through each step of the process. How do you get help? just like any tied up wounded solider, you cry out for help and seek the help of the Lord through your prayer to him. Like I said before, he has been in the process even before your realization. Call on him! Here is some scripture to remind you that you are not alone in this process God says:

…Never will I leave; never will I forsake you

Hebrews 13:5

That is God’s promises for you and me, that even through this process he is with us. The process is indeed tedious and intense, but knowing that you don’t have to do it alone is much reason for you to take on the challenge. You can not afford to quit and miss out on a life that is filled with the peace and presence of God. A life lived un-knotted! Now that is living your best life! But it does come with a process that you must be willing to take all the way. I know you can do it! It is time for you to take you rightful place. It is time for you to trade thorns for crowns!!

Much Love,

Xholiwe

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The Dangers of Hidden Emotions

Hello crowned Royals, I hope you are all doing well despite all that is going on in your personal life and the world right now. I hope you continue to take your position and stand firm knowing that God is with you through it all. For the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking of the complexity of our emotions as humans and how easily they can damage us when kept hidden from others and ourselves. You know what I mean right? Think of the times you had to hide your sadness from others because you feared being judged or maybe the time you masked your bitterness with a smile so life could feel normal for just a day. As humans, we are often dealing with our emotions on a daily basis and how we experience them can be a challenge for most of us. The challenge is not with desirable emotions such as happiness, but it is with the least desirable emotions such as sadness, anger, jealousy, bitterness, disgust, shame, guilt, fear. While it is quite easy to display happiness, joy, and laughter, the other undesirable emotions are often kept hidden. Why do we do that? Well, there are several reasons, but two main reasons are; we hope no one sees them expressed in us and two, we don’t want to see us express these undesirable emotions. The posed danger is hidden emotions from yourself, which we do consciously and unconsciously. So, what are the dangers that come from your hidden emotions?

At the very beginning: Where did it all start?

I would like to think every habit we adapt to had to start from somewhere. When is the time you began to hide your least desirable emotions from others and yourself? Let us think back to when were children for a second, we were expressive of almost all our emotions both good and bad. We displayed our face of disgust when our parents fed us vegetables, we threw huge tantrums to convey our anger when our parents didn’t give us what we wanted and cried tears of sadness when our mother left without us. So, when did it become hard to convey these emotions? Is it when your parents said you are growing up and you needed to cry less or compose yourself more? Or is it when your sad tears seemed to irritate your peers and you began to understand the complexity of other’s emotions towards yours? It had to start somewhere and where is started can be anywhere that those least desirable emotions began to be hidden. A perfect example I could think of was from the movie Frozen. There is a scene at the beginning of the movie between Elisa and her parents that we may or may not relate to. Elisa was told by her parents to conceal and not feel (in other words, not be expressive) and that poor girl was haunted with these hidden emotions for way too long. We are in some shape or form have just like Elisa concealed and not felt for way too long. So again the question is, where did it start?

Triggers

I would like to believe we all have emotional triggers. If you have lived quite a bit in this world, there are several triggers that can stir up different emotions. It can be something that someone says that takes you back to that painful experience or something that you watch that is relatable to your situation. It can happen in many different ways, but when something triggers our undesirable emotions, we try to conceal and hide. But how long can you do that before you have an outburst and all the hidden emotions unravel at one time? Sometimes it just takes one trigger to have you lost it because you have bottled up so much for way too long. I get it, been there, and done that and it only took one emotional trigger to bring to the surface all that was hidden for way too long. Was it necessary? absolutely! All that unexpressed anger, sadness, panic, bitterness, and fear had to get out if I want to be liberated from it all. I would imagine that you would want the same thing for yourself too. Nothing is more liberating than being honest with how you feel or felt from the situations you experienced.

7 dangers of Hidden emotions

What we do to ourselves when we hide our less desirable emotions can harm us in the long run. We are created to feel, and God knew exactly what he was doing when he put these emotions in us. Suppressing them only can lead to bigger mental issues such as depression, major anger issues, extreme fear and anxiety just to mention a few. Listed below are 7 of the dangers you are likely to face your hidden emotions;

  1. Immaturity: You inability to fully master your emotions and unable to identify a healthy way to express them. If you are constantly hiding them, how do you mature your expression of them?
  2. Instability: The danger of unstable decisions can lead to long term consequences that could have been avoided.
  3. Self-Sabotage: Ruining almost every good thing in the fear that you will have to expose things about yourself to others.
  4. Regret: Constantly replaying past situations that make you wish you did something different.
  5. Stagnation: Being stuck in the past, constantly unable to move forward because there are still some unresolved issues within you that you have kept hidden.
  6. Isolation: Choosing to be alone and missing out on healthy human relationships.
  7. Resentment: You resent others for things you did not communicate. You also resent yourself, which I think is more tragic.

If you have been noticing some of these dangers in your life, then it means it may be about that time that you feel what you have avoided feeling for way too long. It may be time to dig out all the hidden emotions you hide behind a smile. The good thing is that if you are not open yet to express this to others or lack healthy support, God is always ready to listen and allow you to express those emotions. Here is what he has to say to you;

10 So then, banish anxiety from your heart

    and cast off the troubles of your body,

    for youth and vigor are meaningless.

Ecclesiastes 11 v 10

Banish all anxiety that you have built up from all the hidden emotions. Cast off the troubles and go boldly before the Lord. Speak to God about it in prayer. This is a good place to start better communicating your emotions. Emotions are not a bad thing! Even the bible says get angry, but don’t sleep anger. The bible also talks about different times in the book of Ecclesiastes and emotions are mentioned too. We are human, we are far from perfect. God knew perfectly well what he was doing when giving us these emotions. Being the compassionate God that he is, he is able to turn those least desirable emotions we consider bad to good. He does however require our honesty and openness to him. I pray you see the beauty in opening up from those hidden emotions and finding liberty in finally being expressive in a healthy way. It is time for us to take our rightful place! It is time for us to trade thorns for crowns.

Much Love,

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns

Never settle: Escaping Dysfunction

Hello crowned royals! I hope you are all doing well and staying steadfast in the Lord. What a year 2020 has turned out to be right? Huge sigh. However, I can’t help it but imagine that God is up to something that will bring ultimate healing for not just us as individuals, but an entire nation! Now that is some good news! Well, what I would like to talk about as per usual is individual healing. Part of individual healing comes from never settling, settling can mean many things to different people, but this time around I want you to look at from the lenses of dysfunction. Ever worked with a tool or appliance that did not work like it should? I have! I once used a loosened hammer that broke of the handle and hurt my foot a couple of times. Also, fairly recently I have tried to make a rice cooker work when clearly the appliance has been exhausted and I would need to buy something new. Can you tell what I was doing to myself while operating these dysfunctional items? I was constantly hurting myself and not producing. Could I have do things differently? Absolutely! While, this may not make sense to some, this may make sense to some of you that have constantly settled in a life of dysfunction and have had enough. For this blog I want us to ask ourselves this question, what have you settle for that is dysfunctional? The other question is, how do you escape?

Never settle in dysfunction

The idea of dysfunction may not reside in one’s mind as a call for making a difference or changing the narrative, but rather most of us have normalized dysfunction and sadly even settled in it. Dysfunction by simple definition is abnormality or something not operating normally or properly. Take a minute to think about any situation in your life that you consider abnormal and check yourself to see if you have settled. Have you told yourself that is just the way it is? and eventually have concluded by saying what there is no point of changing things. Then you have clearly chosen to settle. You have settled in dysfunctional relationships, dysfunctional work places, dysfunctional churches and the list is endless? I totally get you, I have been in a place in my life where dysfunction seemed normal. I settled quite a few times then after a couple cycles around the same situation, I believe I got fed up and had enough and hence my desire for change grew even more. Remember that hammer I talked about earlier? How it constantly would hurt me because it was dysfunctional? If the hammer was tightened to the handle that held it and operating normally, then I wouldn’t have be constantly hurt from it. One way to know that you have settled in dysfunction is how constantly you are hurt from a situation, but go right back to it. Doing this all the time eventually can lead you to repeated cycles of dysfunction that can easily make you believe that nothing can change. However, God calls us to make that change and never to settle. God being a God who knows no confusion will not operate in the dysfunction you have settled in, but rather he calls you out of dysfunction and brings you out from the places you decided to settle. There is more that comes from the liberation of never settling in dysfunction. I am talking about more peace, love, joy, rest, hope and assurance. If you were like me and you had enough, then it may be time to plan your escape.

Escaping dysfunction

How do you escape something that you have already normalized and settled in? I wish there was an easy way out, but because of my own experience I can assure you it may be the toughest thing you have to do, but it is totally doable! First of all, don’t let others talk you out of escaping dysfunction. Secondly, which I think is the most important is that you don’t allow yourself to talk yourself out of it. Think about how many times you came to the realization that things just didn’t seem right, but you went on with it anyway. Think back to the many years that constantly brought you hurt and this time commit to planning your grand escape. For this you will need a whole lot of Jesus and a hint of will power if you want to see a difference in your life or change the narrative. Below are a few steps to get you positioned and ready to find normality from what has been abnormal in your life and that eventually led you to settle:

  1. Do your research; what is normal and what is abnormal? This could be in any area of your life. For example, what does a normal healthy relationship look like and compare that to a dysfunctional relationship.
  2. Examine yourself; What have you settled in that is dysfunctional. This is where you can write things down and read them back to yourself.
  3. Recognize and reflect; This is the part where you ask yourself why you settled in dysfunction. This can be a painful process because you may have think far back and see very similar cycles that have surrounded you even as a child. This may or may not include family cycles much similar to yours.
  4. Acceptance; This is so important and people often skip this and think living in denial will fix all the dysfunction. The elephant is the room is staring your right in the face. Acceptance will help you identify those specific areas.
  5. Prayer and commitment; If you are not praying and committing to this escape then all the other steps will be pointless. Prayer still works! Ask God to help you escape and commit to getting out by any means necessary.
  6. Pick your support; Who will remind you to keep putting the effort? Get yourself around people who either have escaped dysfunction or are doing exactly what you are trying to do. Pull from each other strength and courage to escape dysfunction.

While these steps are not scientifically proven, I speak based off my personal experiences of escaping dysfunction. I know what it feels like to reach at your wits end and literally start to desire a clear escape that will give you peace of mind. Like I mentioned earlier, it is not easy, but when God gets involved and you are positioned, you will see the change! Here is some scripture for you as you being to escape dysfunction;

You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, [insert your name here]. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.

2 Chronicles 20 v 17

I pray that you begin to desire normalcy in your life and also clearly identify what your have settled for. I pray you make your escape from dysfunction and find the peace of mind from finally deciding to make a change. I hope you see that your life can be different and more fruitful because of your decision to no longer settle in dysfunction. I disagree with you, it is not just how it is, you can no longer settle. Look to the Lord for help and escape that dysfunction. It is time for you to take your rightful place! It is time to trade thorns for crowns.

Much love,

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns

Heavy Burdens: Not for you to carry

There are heavy burdens that you have to take up to God because he is the only one that will give you rest.
-Xholiwe

Hello crowned Royals! I hope you are all doing well! Can we talk about heavy burdens since I dealt with that recently. The last two weeks for me where quite heavy and I took on more than I was capable of carrying. Try picturing an amateur in weight lifting try to carry those 50lbs dumbbells, yup that was me last couple of weeks trying to carry what I had no business carrying. I was an amateur thinking I can do all things based off my own strength, but I was so wrong. I am glad God stopped me on my tracks to remind me that certain things are not for me to carry. I decided to talk about heavy burdens because we all had or have dealt with heavy burdens. You know those heavy burdens that easily weigh down not only the spirit, but the soul and body. It is unfortunate that many of us continue to take on these heavy burdens that are not meant for us to carry. I hope this week’s post serves as a reminder to you that are still carrying heavy burdens to lay them down at the feet of Jesus. Not some of it, but all of it.

Because we live in a distressed world, we often get burdened with anxieties, pains and sufferings. There are so many people trying to lift 50lbs dumbbells when all they can do is 20lbs or less. Day by day people take on so much that most societies are filled with distressed people carrying heavy burdens beyond their strength. Some would even tell you that burdens seem to get heavier and heavier with each year passing. Some say that people died because they were heavy burdened. The cares of this world keep a lot of people awake at night and rest is non-existent. While we crave rest and a peace of mind, our minds are weary from the heavy burdens that we carry. So what do we do with these heavy burdens?

First off, can we are agree on one thing right now? Can we agree that life is not always easy even for the one that walks with God. The people of God get burdened too, but the good thing is that we can give our heavy burdens to God. When faced with difficult times as people we tend to take it upon ourselves instead of giving it to God. We do that with the sense that God will not understand and so for some, not all, we come to the conclusion that we have to carry the heavy burdens alone. If you have ever carried heavy burdens on your own, you would agree with me that it is exhausting. What was an emotional burden can easily turn to physical deterioration. The body reacts based off what you carry. You don’t believe me? ever seen some dealing with depression? When I dealt with depression I lost so much weight, but now when you look at me you can tell that things are better. Your girl has been casting her burdens unto God! You too can do the same! Let us not complicate our lives people.

You may have this question that most of us also at one point in our lives had, how do i give my burdens to God? The answer is simple, but often times very difficult for people to do. What you do when you are carrying heavy burdens is that you run to God and he will give you rest. Here is your answer straight from the bible just in case you don’t believe me.

28 â€śCome to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11 v 28-30 (NIV)

I think this verse is pretty clear on what to do when we are faced with burdens right? So as people what are we doing wrong? We are not going to God and presenting our burdens to him. We are either trying to figure it out on our own or giving it to other people that are unable to take up your burdens because they are carrying some themselves. We are quick to go to the phone, but very slow to go into prayer. There is nothing wrong with calling friends or family that can help share the burden, but there are certain burdens that will not go away with a quick phone call, but will go away with an honest prayer. There are heavy burdens that you have to take up to God because he is the only one that will give you rest.

Oh! How good it is to rest in Jesus. For someone that has experienced rest after carry some heavy burdens, I can tell you that the rest of God is incomparable. Once you taste the rest of God, you will be quick to give any burden that comes your way. You many have to give God your burdens almost every day if you face them on a daily basis. As long as you are giving them to God, you will be well rested. One major thing about giving your burdens to God is that it is very is easy to do it in prayer than it is to just be silent and continue to carry what was not meant for you to carry.

My last words for you if you are dealing with heavy burdens is that it is time to give them to God. Say this simple and straightforward prayer. God, I give you my heavy burdens that are too much for me to bare(you can name them e.g financial burden). Lord, I give you these burdens and seek rest in you. Remind God of his promise while you pray, his promise from Matthew 11 v 28-30. Proclaim the rest from God in your life. It is time to trade those heavy burdens for rest! It is time to take our rightful place! It is time to trade thorns for crowns!

Much love,

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns

Woe is me: Woes of playing a victim

Sorrowful man
If you are justifying your present bad actions based off the event that happened in the past, then there are some woes your have to overcome.
-Xholiwe

Who is a victim? What does a victim go through? How does a victim become a victor? These are all questions that we may have different answers to, but an easy way for us to get to think about the woes (sorrow and distress) of being a victim. There so many stories about victims, but have you noticed that only the victors make a name of themselves. By definition a victim is a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of crime, accident, or other event or action. If you alive right now and have had some years under your belt, then somewhere along the way you could have fallen victim to something. This could have be something that hurt you, harmed you, injured you or almost killed you. What those events or actions make you go through can easily lead to sorrow, depression, pain and trauma. However, it is not in your place to stay there when there is a whole life you could live passed all that sorrow and distress. You could actually be able to use that event as a stepping stone, so rather than being a victim for the rest of your life you become a victor. We will look at some woes and be able to identify them in our own lives in this blog, and hopefully work on moving on pass them.

Unfortunately, I will not be giving you 10 steps on how to be a victor in this blog post for this particular reason. We first have to deal with the woes of being a victim and shifting our victim mindset. I have been a victim in some situations, so trust me when I say it is easy to be a victim than it is to be a victor. It is easy to throw the victim card to everyone that pushes you to be a victor because as a victim you are not challenged to change for yourself and others. I remember when my mother died and the victim card was my only escape. Clearly, I was not the first person that lost a mother, but it felt that way for a couple years and so I found out that the victim card was an easy pass for my bad actions, but not anymore. I don’t know what event victimized you, but we may have to have an honest moment that will push you to getting over the victim mindset. What is it that triggers you to play the victim? Is it when someone calls you out on some bad behavior? or is it when things don’t go your way? If you are justifying you present bad actions based off the event that happened in the past, then there are some woes your have to overcome.

If you and Eeyore (Winnie the Pooh’s friend) are starting to look alike and sound alike, Houston we have a problem. If all you do is complain about how unfair life has been to you, then we have a victim mindset problem. Understand that I am not disregarding those bad events that happened in your life because I too can not disregard what happened in my life. I am not telling you to not share some pain points with trusted family and friends because that is important. However, I would like you to understand the woes of playing the victim in your stories and how they affect your life. Woes being great sorrow or distress have a way of changing how we look at life, and we can all agree that we experienced some stuff that we indeed were victims. The sad part about this is that we stay victims for too long without addressing the woes that the event brought in our lives. It is great that we want to move on, but we can not move on healthily if we are victim minded. If we are victim minded, every other event that follows us as we move on will keep us in the same place. Therefore, there needs to be an entire mind switch that no longer looks at current events in our lives with a victim mindset.

Because you have breath, things will happen and what will be crucial is how you decided to view this these things. Can we talk about Joseph from the bible? He is a victor that made a name for himself with the help of God, but he could have easily been a victim and forgotten. Just think of how easy it would have been for Joseph to play the victim in his story. His brother threw him in a pit and sold him because they were jealous. Joseph had every right to play the victim, but the sorrow and distress that could have come from that would have not seen him through to be the second in command in Egypt. He eventually saved the same brothers that sold him because he chose not to magnify the woes of playing the victim. Joseph had dealt with other events that he never allowed to get him trapped in the victim mindset. He was a victim when he was accused of rape. He was a victim when he was thrown in prison for something he did not do, but we all know that he his story did not end in prison. His story could have ended in that pit or in prison, but he did not allow the woes of playing the victim rule his life.

What is it that you have fallen woe it that it has impaired you to live a much desirable life? Pity parties for one are no fun, sitting there brewing on the many woes of your current situation does not fix it. Woes such as depression, despair, heartbreak, dejection, sorrow and gloom should not be your norm. The life you deserve is the life that brings out the victor in you. The victor that looks at those events as stumbling blocks that helped them see the importance of standing up again despite the falls.

Sorrow and distress can change your life based on how much you invest in them. If you are constantly looking for a reason to be sorrowful or distressed then you will certainly find it. How about if you are tired of playing the victim and feeding into those woes what do you do? Jeremiah says this:

Woe is me because of my hurt!

    My wound is grievous.

But I said, “Truly this is an affliction,

    and I must bear it.”

Jeremiah 10:19 (ESV)

Playing a constant victim in your story in the long run won’t serve you. You may have to bear the affliction with grace and grow through it. You don’t want to be stuck playing the victim in every situation, all it brings is deep sorrow and distress. You want to be able to enjoy your life knowing that despite it all, you are a victor that overcame all that that the devil throw at you hoping he would keep you stuck.

In closing, I just want to let you know that your present woe can be your future victory. But your victim minded way of thinking might be what hinders you from seeing beyond that present woe. You are spending too much time reliving those hurtful events and constantly reminding yourself that you are a victim. Do you know you can relive those events and see yourself as a victor? You overcame! Be proud of yourself. You certainly took your rightful place! You continue to do so as you trade your thorns for crowns.

Much Love,

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns

Dear Younger me: I still believe

Remember when life was a blank canvas and as kids there was so much we believed in? Can you go back to believing like a child?

I feel nostalgic this Saturday and it was all because I watched a 10 minute video of all the opening songs to some of my favorite cartoons while growing up as a child. The most nostalgic 10 minutes of my life that took me back to remembering the little girl who believed in so much more and thought of life a little differently than I do as an adult. Oh, how damaging a couple years can have on us. We are now believing less and conforming more to what has been set and stone because it is easier to believe in what we see than what we can not see.

What happened to that little girl or boy who just believed in themselves and anything mommy and daddy said? Well, we grow up and once we got some understanding and stumbled upon some pain, shame, guilt and frustration we stopped believing in almost everything. We got into our teen years and we found ourselves trying to believe other stuff that were not true because everyone else was doing it, so we thought fitting in was much easier. Why did we conform? Why did we stop believing? We started to believe less in our abilities and our strengths because let us face it there people out there who do it better than you did. There is a prettier girl than you, there is a more handsome fella than you, their are more smarter people than you. But truth is they can’t be you and you definitely can’t be them and that is okay. Believing in yourself is so important because it sets you up to be an authentic version of yourself. In the a society where everyone is trying to be someone they are not, it feels good to be a real version of yourself. Your skills, your talent, your abilities and strengths can take full form if you can only believe. Believe like you did as kid! As a kid, you were doctor, a lawyer, an activist, a pastor, a fashion designer, a baker etc. It is still possible to be that kid again that believed that you could do it all. There is a place that can make use of your skill, there are people who will appreciate you talent and their are people out there that will believe for you if you are having a hard time at it.

It is never too late to believe again, I have had conversations with people younger, my age and older and the usual response is something in these lines;

  • It is too late to start the business
  • It is too late to pursue that job
  • It is not worth it investing into my dreams at my age
  • I am too old
  • I am too young
  • I am not qualified
  • Starting a new life in a different place is too risky
  • I have children
  • I have a terrible past

Excuses are the enemy that hinder us from believing in us again. We now have an excuse for everything because it is much easier to be excused than to believe. What ends up happening is that we settle feeling unfulfilled. We settle for the miserable and unhealthy relationships, we settle for the job we hate, we settle for the regular because we don’t believe for better.

Doubt is another enemy that hinders us from believing in us again. We doubt that things will get better because maybe things at some point in our lives didn’t get better, but that should not keep us from believing again. We doubt and so we make excuses. We have already counted ourselves out even before we try. We have to stop looking for signs for us to believe because God does not always give us signs. He will test our faith by not giving us a sign and because we didn’t see a sign we don’t believe, ye of little faith.

27 Then he said to Thomas, â€śPut your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

John 20:27

We want God to move while we have settled in our lives full of excuses and doubt. God does not operate that way, he wants to meet us half way, we have take the step first, even one step is enough to show God that you are serious. God is looking for believers, a people that believe that all things are possible just like a child. God comes through for some crazy believers that believe in themselves and the God they serve. I am sure you have meant some of these crazy believers that just jump and never find excuses that reason with their logic. Might as well jump with them

In closing, is younger you proud of where you are at right now? Or is he/she reminding you of the dreams and aspirations you once had? If younger you is not happy with were you are in life currently, then it means you got some work to do. You have to believe again! You have to break all that has kept you from believing again. You are capable, no one can be you better than you can! Let’s get to work! We are trading our thorns for crowns!

Much Love,

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns · 2 Comments

Closed doors: Are they necessary?

It was closed for a reason, keep it closed and keep it moving.
-Xholiwe

Hey crowned Royals! Can we talk about how Portillo’s shut their doors on me a couple weekends ago? I was 2 minutes pass their business hours and they closed their doors on me. I remember saying I want an Italian beef sandwich to nourish my grumpiness and I decided to risk my life driving to beat the closing time. So I took off with hope and expectation that I will walk out of Portillo’s with an Italian beef sandwich, well that did not happen. I was welcomed by a closed sign and faces through the window clearly saying go away, but I was not going to just quit because of a sign and mean faces. I wanted Italian beef and was set on it, so I waved politely at the workers and nudged on the door. They did not even react to my actions and desperate need for food. The sign was up, it was closed, which meant that Portillo’s was no longer serving customers. However, I still thought of trying because maybe just maybe someone would see my desperate need for a sandwich. What ended up happening was that I left empty and disappointed, but it was not the workers fault and they were not obligated to open those doors for me. Also, lingering around in hopes that they would open the doors for me was a pure waste of time because I left without my sandwich. There is a moral to this story, I just didn’t plan to tell you about my disappointment and leaving you without a good word.

Moral of the story? Don’t go to Portillo’s two minutes pass their closing time and for the sake of this blog post keep the closed doors closed, there is a reason why they are closed. We all go through life experiencing closed doors, for most of us we get too curious to know what is behind the door and sometimes when we find out the hard way. I get it, because some closed doors don’t give us much detail, we didn’t know that the company we wanted to work for badly would file for bankruptcy and leave you out of a job. We didn’t know that the career path we chose would keep us miserable. We didn’t know that the people around us were really not for us. We just opened some wrong closed doors in hopes that it would be right. This is not where you beat yourself for opening the wrong closed doors, this is a place where you thank God that the closed doors were necessary for your growth and drew you closer to your destiny. I have had several closed doors and just like anybody else didn’t like that feeling of rejection, but now I look back to closed doors in job opportunities, career paths, relationships, friendship etc and I am so thankful. I quit aggressively nudging on closed doors that were closed for a reason and I would hope the same for you.

Closed doors can also be our past too, we go back to opening up past hurts and bruise the wounds that took us so much time trying to heal. Is it necessary? You are getting hurt over and over again because you keep going back to the closed door you have no business opening. It was closed for a reason, keep it closed and keep it moving. You can’t experience a great future, if you continue to live in the past. Understand that God will not close one door and leave you stranded. Trust that because that door was closed, God got a better plan. God is not a mean God that says “aha let me disappoint (insert your name)!” He knows what we need better than we do, so if a door closes there is a reason and as you continue to journey through life you will understand each reason for a closed door. God will protect you, he sees way ahead of us and can tell us;

  • it is time to close this door and move on
  • it is time to close this door for now, we may revisit it when we are more mature
  • it is time to close this door forcefully because it is dangerous and we refuse to listen
  • It is time to close this door because we need to be protected

Sometimes it does not have to take God to do the closing for you. You will be beat down and tired of trying to open this closed door that you personally decide to close it yourself. When you do so, realize that you did it for you and your better future. Celebrate yourself for loving yourself enough to close doors that are not fulfilling purpose.

Are closed doors necessary? Yes, they are necessary because rather than you staying stuck on that one door you get to a point where you challenged to grow and move pass it. Unfortunately, too many people stay stuck on a closed door in hopes that there is something there when God’s blessings for you already shifted and is waiting on you to leave that closed door. The doors God opens for you are one that no man on the face of the earth can shut, those are doors we should be seeking for.

8 I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.

Revelations 3:8 (NIV)

My last word are that you should be okay with closed doors, be okay with keeping them closed too. It is not in your place to push on closed doors and end up disappointed. Like I mentioned earlier there is a good reason why God closed some certain doors that were not serving their purpose in you life, but rather these doors were hurting and discouraging. If you have been stuck at that closed today for way too long, I challenge you to walk away even two feet away and see what difference it will make for both your body and spirit. Remember this is all in the process of shifting from thorns to crowns! You got this!

Much Love,

Xholiwe