Posted on by thornstocrowns

Why am I not there yet?: What happens along the way

Hello Crowned Royals! It feels like forever since I took to the keyboard and put my thoughts in words, so here I am writing again. I have had many thoughts about what I am about to write up today and quite honestly these thoughts are way overdues. By sharing this with you I hope you get to realize that your journey does not end because you faced a couple of setbacks along the way. The journey must go on, you have a destination and it should be reached by all means necessary. With the many setbacks that we meet along the way, we do eventually ask ourselves the question “Why am I not there yet? This question alone can bring grown men and women to tears, so let us unpack this together.

I have never been a huge fan of road trips because I personally think they take way too long and if you live in the Midwest like I do, there is barely much to see and be amused by along the way. When I do take a road trip to a place I have never been, it is only wise for me to plug in the address to the destination before driving off and also plan my stops along the way. If I am traveling with a friend that calls for good company along the way and if I am traveling alone that calls for a solo praise and worship concert and occasional afrobeats. Once I get on the road I have an estimate of my time of arrival and all my plans to stop along the way are well calculated to keep me within my arrival time frame. But sometimes the unexpected happens, a traffic build up that was not there before, a car crash delaying traffic, the occasional flat tire, the additional stops that were not in the plan and eventually a frustrated woman who just wants to get to where she was going. Why am I telling you all this? If you didn’t catch it yet, this is all of us along the way to our “destination”, whatever that destination is for you, you know that the you had the destination, you made the plans and some of you did not expect the unexpected delays and now you are frustrated asking the question “Why am I not there yet?

What is along the way?

Unlike road trips, the life trip we embark on is far more complex and involves a whole lot more heart, mind, soul and spirit to get to where we need to go. It is not until you embark on this journey that you meet what is along the way. What you meet along the way, expected and unexpected will tell you of your resilience and determination to reach your destination. It can be quite hard to see the destination if you are distracted with what is along the way. Take for example, a person who has decided to embark on a journey of healing and along the way they are faced with hurt and that hurt distracts them from their destination, which is wholeness. What is along the way is not the end of the journey, you must go on. I remember embarking on my own journey of healing and was then faced with the unexpected hurt and betrayal along the way, geez that bump in road kept me quite distracted for a while. Eventually, I got frustrated and had to ask God this question, “why am I not there yet?” This was not a question God had to answer, it was for me to look at my own life and see that I was distracted by the hurt and betrayal and certainly had lost my way. Clearly were I was, was not my destination, but thank God for redirection. What am I trying to tell you? If you want to make it to your destination always remember what lead you to make the decision to embark on the journey. What is along the way, is your hurdle to jump and conquer. Too many of us have allowed what was along the way to determine the end of our journey, but if there is any fight left in you, I ask you to pick up from where you left off because the journey is not over. If God still wakes you up each morning, then friend, you still have to move.

Arrival time

I wanted to talk about the arrival time because let us face it, we live in a society that seeks instant gratification and fast pace results. We want to get to our destination as quick as Jimmy John’s, but lack the understanding as to why our journey maybe different from the other. We then push for false arrival times so we can keep up with the rest. Friend embrace your journey, just because someone got there before you quicker doesn’t mean you have to falsely arrive to your destination. Another major concern about arrival time is when others who don’t know the journey you are on want to determine the time of your arrival. They will ask you questions like, “you are not healed yet? you have not succeeded yet? You should be over that by now, why are you still working on that?” Questions like this then lead you to ask yourself “Why am I not there yet?” Comparison has been the death of many, and continues to haunt people because they refuse to accept their own path and waste time on envying someone’s path. There is a Christian saying that says God’s timing is the best. Till the passing of time and space this saying will continue to be relevant for this world that doesn’t understand that God runs on a different clock. I say so because when God’s perfect time came for me, no one, not even myself could deny that I arrived to my destination. When you arrive under God’s perfect timing, it will be quite evident and will not leave room for second guessing. Never be pressured to falsely arrive because of what and who is around you. Your arrival time will come, just don’t give up in the middle of the way.

With God along the way

There is nothing more calming than taking God with you for the journey. Even when the frustration and tension builds up along the way, you know you are in good company. It is like taking a good friend along on this very long journey and knowing you can turn to them anytime and talk to them openly about how you feel without feeling judged. With God along the way, he is the one that will remind you of why you even took up this journey in the first place and why you should reach your destination. He helps you keep the pace even when you want to go faster as you see others go ahead of you. How amazing is that! For the several journeys I have taken and some that I continue to take with God, I wouldn’t have it any other way. There is peace that comes with knowing that God is in it with me. There is also an assurance that you will get to where you are going as long as keep him in this journey. The Israelites that were lead by Moses are perfect example of moving with God along the way. The story tells of this intense journey to the promised land that could have ended in 11 days, but the distractions from the destination prolonged their time, but after 40 years, God finally brought them to the land as he promised. Along the way, God provided for the Israelites all they needed to make it to their destination. Why would you think he wouldn’t do it for you? There is what the scriptures say; *side note* this is one of my favorite verses from the bible, it is such a good reminder while on the journey.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29 vs 11

I can not emphasize it more, the word already tells you that God knows, he knows where you are at in your journey and were you could be if you just continue to walk it out with him. Even when frustrated with the question “why am I not there yet?” at least you know there God is ready to listen and unpack with you, and also redirect you. Giving up is not the solution and should never be an option when faced with the expected and unexpected along the way. There is a destination you are supposed to reach, don’t get distracted with what is along the way. Use what is along the way to build your resilience and determination to make it to where you are going. Always remember why you started this journey. It is time for you to take your rightful place! it is time to trade thorns for crowns.

Much Love,

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns

The Missing Link: How to own your story

Hello Crowned Royals, I hope you are all doing well and keeping healthy. While some of you enjoy warm summers, winter is on its way up North. I am not opposed to all the holiday fuzzy feels that come with it, so winter 2020 please be kind to us. I have been so out of touch with my writing to you and that is not an excuse for someone that wants you trading those thorns for crowns, even in 2020 we are still in the business of trading thorns. And boy! aren’t there many thorns to trade in this one year alone.

I write to you with such openness because what I write does step on some people’s toes. It might step on your toes, so if it does I apologize in advance. So ownership of your story was heavy on my heart for the many weeks I did not write and now I am ready to unpack. Imagine with me, we are in court as observers following a court case that involves two people, it could be about anything, but in this case we will say this is a bad divorce case. The two parties involved present their stories before the judge and each brings out the many good points about themselves and very few selected bad points only to wait on the verdict of the judge. When telling their stories each may or may not own up to their full story and eliminate the bad side of the story, but at the end of it all the judge has the final verdict. I hope you know where I am going with this, no more sitting as an observer in court, you too have some telling to do in front of the judge. I don’t know at what point you are at in your life, but given the opportunity to tell your story, would you fully own up to your story? Funny thing about not owning up to your story is that the little piece of information you decided to leave out always has a way of showing right back up in your life and then begins your endless battle of self defense in your own court (your mind).

As I mature more, because give or take 3-4 years ago I obviously wasn’t as mature, I was the one that bought into (not always) one sided stories until I realized that everyone experiences a situation and life in general differently and how they choose to tell their story is totally up to them. The problem with this is that like the husband and wife defending their divorce in court, our stories may have many missing links. Here is my definition of missing links, missing links are deliberate eliminations to the full story used to protect us or the image we paint and want people to believe about us. There is a question, are you that person that has left out certain parts of your story to protect yourself or the image others believe about you? Well, it is understandable because a lot of us have done that including myself and we all had or (still have for others) our valid reasons. Because our lives are not Disney fairytales, we actually deal with real life tragedies. The type of tragedies that we find hard to speak of because we don’t know how well others will receive us, sound familiar? The Truth is the part of the story that carries pain, shame, guilt, regret, anger, embarrassment is not desirable to own up to, but can I tell you that you can’t be you without your full story. Leaving out parts of your story and not owning up to all of it takes away from who you are, and hence the many masked people we interact with daily. Owning up to certain things in your life can leave such a bad taste in your mouth even before you decide to talk to someone about it, but can I tell how liberating it is to finally tell your story.

Side note, people that don’t own up to their stories can be self defensive when someone approaches them about their story. Trust me because I was there a couple of times, we might have to talk in depth about self defense in these coming blogs . The problem with self defense is that it takes you further away from being your true self because you are spending more defending yourself. It can be exhausting, not just mentally, but even physically, so why burden yourself this much?

The big question is how do you own up to your story? How do you add the missing link that you have ever so often left out?

5 ways to own up to your story

  1. Own up to yourself: Might sound silly to some, but mirror talk back to yourself your story. Tell it back to yourself and you will be surprised how many tears you might cry by just talking to yourself about your story and also discover how much you bottled inside.
  2. Take it to God in prayer: If you are not ready to fully own your story to family or friends then good news is that our God who is ever so listening would want to hear from you. Tell him your story, all the good, bad and the ugly. Yes, he knows, but you being able to say it is for your healing.
  3. Share your story with a trusted family or friend: Baby steps, just because you are owning up to your story, it doesn’t mean you stand in a church or go live on social channel to just speak on things that could use some wise words, warmth, encouragement and direction. Speak to your close knit and leave nothing out.
  4. Stop with the self-defense: Because it is exhausting, you need to stop it. If parts of your true story are out their being told by others then stop with the self defense. I know no one wants a bad name out there, trust me I know. Sadly, even in the case of false stories about you, you may need to stop with the self defense because people will also make up their side of their story too and all your defenses will mean nothing to them. Is it unfortunate? Yes, but you are working on your healing and not on a marathon of she said and he said. Find your peace.
  5. Identify your missing links: List all your missing links, the parts you left our in your story and associate the emotion that accompanied them. Are they in the past? or are the missing links still part of your story? If they are then, you got work to do to change that narrative.

Owning up to your story can not be so easy and I totally understand, but the beauty of doing so even while scared is the freedom and peace that comes from it. It is a very vulnerable act and if you ever do it, I applaud you! Here is some scripture affirmation that will push you towards owning up to your story;

There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

Romans 8 vs 1

And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

Revelations 12 vs 11

How amazing is that? your story matters to God and others need your story. You might not believe me, but there maybe someone out there that needs to hear your story and how you overcame. There is no condemnation! Your story is powerful, so own it. Owning up to it will never take away from you, it does the total opposite! It helps you walk in liberty and peace. Soon in enough you will be able to tell others how you overcame! Tell your story! It is time for you to take your rightful place. It is time to trade thorns for crowns.

Much love,

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns

Never settle: Escaping Dysfunction

Hello crowned royals! I hope you are all doing well and staying steadfast in the Lord. What a year 2020 has turned out to be right? Huge sigh. However, I can’t help it but imagine that God is up to something that will bring ultimate healing for not just us as individuals, but an entire nation! Now that is some good news! Well, what I would like to talk about as per usual is individual healing. Part of individual healing comes from never settling, settling can mean many things to different people, but this time around I want you to look at from the lenses of dysfunction. Ever worked with a tool or appliance that did not work like it should? I have! I once used a loosened hammer that broke of the handle and hurt my foot a couple of times. Also, fairly recently I have tried to make a rice cooker work when clearly the appliance has been exhausted and I would need to buy something new. Can you tell what I was doing to myself while operating these dysfunctional items? I was constantly hurting myself and not producing. Could I have do things differently? Absolutely! While, this may not make sense to some, this may make sense to some of you that have constantly settled in a life of dysfunction and have had enough. For this blog I want us to ask ourselves this question, what have you settle for that is dysfunctional? The other question is, how do you escape?

Never settle in dysfunction

The idea of dysfunction may not reside in one’s mind as a call for making a difference or changing the narrative, but rather most of us have normalized dysfunction and sadly even settled in it. Dysfunction by simple definition is abnormality or something not operating normally or properly. Take a minute to think about any situation in your life that you consider abnormal and check yourself to see if you have settled. Have you told yourself that is just the way it is? and eventually have concluded by saying what there is no point of changing things. Then you have clearly chosen to settle. You have settled in dysfunctional relationships, dysfunctional work places, dysfunctional churches and the list is endless? I totally get you, I have been in a place in my life where dysfunction seemed normal. I settled quite a few times then after a couple cycles around the same situation, I believe I got fed up and had enough and hence my desire for change grew even more. Remember that hammer I talked about earlier? How it constantly would hurt me because it was dysfunctional? If the hammer was tightened to the handle that held it and operating normally, then I wouldn’t have be constantly hurt from it. One way to know that you have settled in dysfunction is how constantly you are hurt from a situation, but go right back to it. Doing this all the time eventually can lead you to repeated cycles of dysfunction that can easily make you believe that nothing can change. However, God calls us to make that change and never to settle. God being a God who knows no confusion will not operate in the dysfunction you have settled in, but rather he calls you out of dysfunction and brings you out from the places you decided to settle. There is more that comes from the liberation of never settling in dysfunction. I am talking about more peace, love, joy, rest, hope and assurance. If you were like me and you had enough, then it may be time to plan your escape.

Escaping dysfunction

How do you escape something that you have already normalized and settled in? I wish there was an easy way out, but because of my own experience I can assure you it may be the toughest thing you have to do, but it is totally doable! First of all, don’t let others talk you out of escaping dysfunction. Secondly, which I think is the most important is that you don’t allow yourself to talk yourself out of it. Think about how many times you came to the realization that things just didn’t seem right, but you went on with it anyway. Think back to the many years that constantly brought you hurt and this time commit to planning your grand escape. For this you will need a whole lot of Jesus and a hint of will power if you want to see a difference in your life or change the narrative. Below are a few steps to get you positioned and ready to find normality from what has been abnormal in your life and that eventually led you to settle:

  1. Do your research; what is normal and what is abnormal? This could be in any area of your life. For example, what does a normal healthy relationship look like and compare that to a dysfunctional relationship.
  2. Examine yourself; What have you settled in that is dysfunctional. This is where you can write things down and read them back to yourself.
  3. Recognize and reflect; This is the part where you ask yourself why you settled in dysfunction. This can be a painful process because you may have think far back and see very similar cycles that have surrounded you even as a child. This may or may not include family cycles much similar to yours.
  4. Acceptance; This is so important and people often skip this and think living in denial will fix all the dysfunction. The elephant is the room is staring your right in the face. Acceptance will help you identify those specific areas.
  5. Prayer and commitment; If you are not praying and committing to this escape then all the other steps will be pointless. Prayer still works! Ask God to help you escape and commit to getting out by any means necessary.
  6. Pick your support; Who will remind you to keep putting the effort? Get yourself around people who either have escaped dysfunction or are doing exactly what you are trying to do. Pull from each other strength and courage to escape dysfunction.

While these steps are not scientifically proven, I speak based off my personal experiences of escaping dysfunction. I know what it feels like to reach at your wits end and literally start to desire a clear escape that will give you peace of mind. Like I mentioned earlier, it is not easy, but when God gets involved and you are positioned, you will see the change! Here is some scripture for you as you being to escape dysfunction;

You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, [insert your name here]. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.

2 Chronicles 20 v 17

I pray that you begin to desire normalcy in your life and also clearly identify what your have settled for. I pray you make your escape from dysfunction and find the peace of mind from finally deciding to make a change. I hope you see that your life can be different and more fruitful because of your decision to no longer settle in dysfunction. I disagree with you, it is not just how it is, you can no longer settle. Look to the Lord for help and escape that dysfunction. It is time for you to take your rightful place! It is time to trade thorns for crowns.

Much love,

Xholiwe

Posted on by thornstocrowns

Mocked Crowns: One against all

Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay
Beyond that mockery is a greater purpose that is birthed from our standing one against all
-Xholiwe

Hello Crowned Royals! Here we go again, another week for another trade in. I hope you all are doing well and continue to trade those thorns for crowns! I have so many thoughts regarding what am going to write about this week, so get your reading eyes and open minds ready. This week I think it is fitting to talk about mocked crowns. Xholiwe what do you mean by mocked crowns? Well, I will let the story of mocking of Jesus help us understand the term mocked crowns. So it was at the release of Pontius Pilate Jesus was left into the hands of the Roman soldiers. The Roman soldiers mocked Jesus several ways that included, flogging, laughter, spitting, insults, piercing and as if that was not enough they put a crown of thorns over his head. Oh what such pain to bear, all that for the redemption of a magnitude of people. Jesus from this example was the one against all, but even while he was mocked and crucified to death he still have the victory. While most of us can’t compare our pain to that of Jesus, we surely know what it is like to be mocked physically and spiritually, but there is the good news, we already have the victory! While you stand in the presence of your mockers, be reminded that it too shall not last. So what will we unpack in this blog? We will unpack on how to stay standing even in the presence of your mockers.

Modern day mockery is not as gruesome as the ancient day mockery that involved brutal torture, but it has its effects on people that don’t choose to stand against it. So how does modern mockery attack the one person? The mockers of today don’t have to flog you, insult you, or spit at you, all they need are a couple of hurtful words, lies about you, and old truths that no longer define you to get an unfulfilled satisfaction within them. Unfortunately, so many people fall for this and that is why I think bullying is so predominate in schools, work places and churches, yes, I said it churches have bullies too. Your choice to stand alone against all is what will determine your moving forward. If you are the person falling every time you are mocked then you have some work to do. In the midst of your mockers, it is important to know who you are, just like Jesus knew he was even when they Roman soldiers mocked him. When you know who you are the hurtful words, lies and old truths will not effect you as bad as they would if you didn’t know who you are in the first place. Standing alone is not glamorous as many people expect because it comes with some persecution that is often times unexpected. Can we be honest, not everyone does well under persecution and when the pressure gets too much most will tap out. But why should we not tap out? because beyond that mockery is a greater purpose that is birthed from our standing one against all.

Making the choice to stand one against all can be scary because what we often think is what will people think of me, so then conformity happens. Oprah said it nicely, she said that, “I was once afraid of people saying, “who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand and say, “This is who I am”. Conformity comes from the “what will people think” and victory comes from the “This is who I am”. If Jesus worried what people said towards him and conformed to the mockery of others, we would be telling of another story of our redemption. Jesus knowing who he was brought all of us victory. Knowing who you are is what will bring you victory. I remember being wrapped around the the fear of what will people think of me or say about me and now I acknowledge that limited a lot of the things I actually wanted to do. You may still be that person that is still wrapped around this fear and you are probably looking at how you have limited yourself, but there is a solution! It will take a whole lot of courage stand while everyone else makes mockery of your choice to stand. Let us get this clear, standing is not the weak, it takes a little more strength to stand than it does sitting with the crowd. So what are you currently doing? Are you standing or sitting because it is safe? Please stand up because every season in your life will have some mockers and you will will not sit around mocked and defeated.

Since we still continue to deal with mockers, standing one against all is not a one time thing. We have already established that at every other level or season in your life their will be mockers, so realize that every season will require a little more courage. Courage means you confront the mockers with the confidence of you are. You are a crowned child of God! You are set apart and made for a time such as this! You may not believe me, but there is a word that never lies;

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

1 Peter 2 v 9 (NIV)

The royal priesthood or in other words “crowned royals” are to be set apart because for most of us, we are aware of how God called us out of the darkness into his marvelous light. So while others will not understand why you are protective over your crowns, they mock you for it, but I commend you to hold on to it! Hold on to the victory of knowing who you are and refusing to be someone else because mockers stand against you. Reminder how I told you modern mockery is not as gruesome as ancient mockery, it actually sounds like people care, so there are a few words that may be spoken to you as you stand against all that you should have solid answers for;

  • You have changed. Answer: Yes, I am supposed to change if I am growing and healing
  • Everyone is doing it. Answer: Doesn’t mean I should be doing it
  • That is how things have always been. Answer: Well, it has to end with me
  • It doesn’t take that much. Answer: It does take that much for me to get to where I want to be
  • You take this God thing too seriously . Answer: Yes, I do because he takes me seriously too
  • You will not make it. Answer: Unless God is not on the throne, but I know he is so I will make it
  • You think you are all that. Answer: I am a pretty big deal to God, so yes!
  • You are too happy. Answer: What else should I be other than happy?

I know there are a whole lot more other statements that mock others, these are just some that I have personally experienced. Some of these questions I answered out of fear, now I know better and so do you! Let’s continue our conversation in the comments, share any mocking statements you have dealt with either in fear of what people would think or from knowing who you are. I would love to see more of us standing one against all the mockers that do not know better. It is time to take our rightful place, it is time to trade thorns for crowns!

Much love,

Xholiwe